omphaloskepsist's blog

righteous anger, resigned confusion

i just got off the phone w/OS, who filled me in on what happened w/the guy she started dating. last i heard, they went on a few dates, she slept over and they spent the next day together hanging out. she was excited for me to meet him b/c he's unlike anyone else she's ever dated, and he also went to her college (graduated a year before) so even tho they hadn't known each other there, it was an interesting connection to have, especially in the city she's in right now.

and then he stopped returning her phone calls and took a week to accept her facebook friend invitation (i'm assuming she sent it before he went into radio silence). apparently they finally got to talk early last week (she's going on a psych rotation, and he's a psych resident, and she hoped he could give her a little feel for what she'll be doing for the next few weeks) and he gave her a "it's not you, it's me" sort of excuse for disappearing. which makes her mad and makes me mad. he was just an ass who wanted to get into her pants, and then decided that, romantically, they wouldn't work out. WHATEVS. fuck that. well guess i won't meet him and we won't go hiking when i go to visit her next month.

good riddance.

oh, and Che left me two voicemails late last night. the gist: "please call me back b/c there is something i want to say to you. something very nice. i know i have called you late in the past but i really want to talk to you. // i love you and can't live w/out you. i don't know if i can get more direct than that. i want to spend the rest of my life w/you. you were right when you said our story isn't over. i want to move to (barely populated state) and start our lives together, where you'll be the only lawyer in town and i'll do [a bunch of things that also involve real estate]. i'm ready now. i want to do this, this year. we'll have adventures and do cute things and do crossword puzzles. we'll have college reunions and [our college] guys will marry [our college] girls. call me tonight. please call me back."

which i did 30min later (after listening to the VMs twice, each) and left a VM, basically just asking him to call me back, but he hasn't called me back yet. sort of surreal. first of all, i can't up and leave. and secondly, i can't do this all again just b/c he's had an epiphany b/c who knows if he'll just change his mind a year or two from now. OS says: "it's just not the right time for you. that's not to say that it won't be the right time in the future, but you have to be strong w/the decision you've already made and etc etc." which i agree w/, of course, but it's so strange. i used to assume that he was going to figure out his life and then we'd move somewhere together. now, it's me that needs to figure out my life. i need to stay w/my job for at least another year, and then who knows where i will go? will i become a practicing lawyer? will i stay in [current state]? will i move to [eastern city]? do i really love Che enough to open myself up to the possibility of him flaking again? WHO WILL PAY MY STUDENT LOANS? [would the kennedys also get me a job?]

what he needs to do is move to [northern city] and be...normal...for a while. and then we can start talking.

SIGH THIS IS NEVER GOING TO WORK. PERHAPS HE WAS JUST REALLY DRUNK LAST NIGHT.

yeah, the righteous anger is on behalf of my sister. it's just resigned confusion on my own behalf. i find it almost a little funny. tee hee. i love being right.

i also love sweaty yoga. i do not love that my annual performance review is coming up.

another thing:

i really dislike the phrase "it's the thought that counts." b/c it doesn't, when it's just a thought.

i don't want to hear about it if you never follow through!!!

boundaries

Che called again last night (at least he texted this time, to ask if i was awake and so i said i'm about to go to bed) and i finally told him that it was fine to talk to him in general, but that it was 1am and i no longer had a vested interest in talking to him late at night unless he was in some existential crisis (his response: i'm ALWAYS in an existential crisis).

i feel better about that. perhaps i shouldn't have answered the text or answered the phone but whatevs.

and he *was* at the Kennedy funeral/procession/etc.

must remember that i'm better looking than him.

in other news, dudes in [northern city] and [northern city] in general are still lame. i'm going to start yoga. perhaps it will help me center myself or something.

sometimes i like to punish myself

and read about long-distance relationships. b/c i used to be in one and now i'm not.

ha.

this weekend, while TM and i were in new orleans, i wonder how other people saw us...as a couple? some of the shopkeepers/waitstaff asked where we were from, as NOLA is really tourism-driven and of course we told them that we were out-of-towners, but from NYC and [northern city], respectively. perhaps some realized that we were just friends, and others thought we were in a long-distance relationship and had met up for the weekend. what's funny, tho, is that both of us are single and we effectively cock-blocked each other this weekend.

not that either of us was really looking for anything...and we ate way too much delicious and expensive food to want to get trashed and possibly throw any of it up. i love TM. perhaps someday we will live in the same city again.

there was a wedding that happened in our hotel (we caught the procession, complete w/bride + parasol and brass band, leaving the hotel as we were on our way in from an aborted po-boy pilgrimage) and seeing the intense happiness/giddiness/joy evident on everyone's faces gave me chills. someday that will be me.

but for now, i'll settle for wishing i had something to look forward to--in terms of a stolen weekend w/a beautiful boy, someone that i don't get to see on an everyday basis. b/c somehow a long-distance relationship is easier to think about than the scariness of having a relationship w/someone in the same city. maybe it's b/c i don't see myself in [northern city] long-term. or maybe it's b/c i have intimacy and commitment issues. something to ponder this labor day.

three cubed should be auspicious

but so far it's just the same old same old. i'm not sad, i'm not awesomely happy, either.

the boring run-down of my life:

on the man front:
so w/the recent deaths of the kennedy clan, i can't but think of Che. i wonder if he went to the funeral, or if he stayed in [fabulous city] while his kennedy attended. i've avoided the media coverage b/c i don't want to be reminded of him. how lame is that?

on the friend front:
IG had his island weekend earlier this month, and i went. it was a lot of fun, but things were noticeably calmer than usual, b/c everyone was in a relationship or paired off. there were 14 of us and HT and i were paired off, even tho i ended up sharing a room w/IG's ex-girlfriend. nothing crazy happened, w/the exception of a fight between BL and GL. but that's to be expected b/c he gets trashed and she usually takes offense to something he does or says; this time it was b/c she found his hidden stash of "snus".

they're nearing their first anniversary, and they recently bought a condo in [eastern city]. i was their first non-family guest in their new guest room! exciting.

JMS + wife had already bought a condo and were living together before they got married. FM just bought a condo, too, and his girlfriend is moving in.

i need to stop comparing myself to my friends. i need to stop thinking about how i am single and (although not unhappy about it) how i need to find a guy.

i'm headed to new orleans for labor day, w/TM. i'm assuming AA isn't coming b/c she didn't get back to me w/her travel itinerary. TM and i decided on new orleans before we found out that labor day weekend is "southern decadence" in NOLA, also known as "gay mardi gras". TM has promised not to abandon me for a random gay dude, so hopefully we'll do a lot of eating and drinking and perhaps i'll find a straight guy and kissyface at some point.

both EW and D&G were recently in town (but separately), and stayed w/me. apparently i've gotten more assertive since i moved to [northern city] (or so they tell me). i think it's b/c i'm less used to the day-to-day drama and therefore less inclined to take people's shit. the last time i was in [grad school city] CB and i got into a long, extended, late-night conversation about--what else--girls and of course it didn't go anywhere. oh, and TR is dating someone seriously enough to make it known on facebook, but she looks sort of dorky (later confirmed by D&G). i am totally hotter. but he's getting ass and i'm not. damn.

on the family front:
YS officially has a boyfriend. he's someone she met at nerd camp two summers ago, and they ended up at different colleges but still kept in touch. they've been together for a while, but she's only been comfortable w/the titles of boyfriend-girlfriend recently. OS has started dating in her internship city, and I AM OFFICIALLY THE SINGLEST SISTER FOR THE FIRST TIME IN A LONG TIME. so depressing.

on the work front:
i still have a crush on SFC. we went out for bar trivia tonight (and won, natch) and i really just wanted to sit in his lap and kissyface.

blah. i need another distraction.

there are other posts i've been meaning to write but i just keep putting them off. b/c i can b/c this is my blog and i'm allowed to be a slacker.

feeling tired and old

but not necessarily unhappy about either.

wedding was great! JMS and Mrs. JMS are perfect for each other, and it shows. we got personalized ketchup bottles as wedding favors!

i didn't boot, didn't do anything i'm ashamed of, and totally passed up totally-inappropriate-dancing/kissy-face/who-knows-what-else w/a tall, dark and could-be-handsome dude. he was just a bit too awkward. but he's really really smart. i think he was a physics major in college (graduated my year) and is now a risk manager for some big ol' bank in NYC. he cornered me to talk about the supreme court, nominee sonia sotomayor, the firemen case, and such for 15min during the hors d'oeuvres/cocktail hour and then followed me around on the dance floor afterwards. woo woo go me. he left the afterparty before the majority of us did, and came to talk to me at the bar but then cut himself off by saying "but [omphaloskepsist], you're already spoken for--" which i totally didn't understand b/c i was sharing a room w/HT but we're totally not together and everyone should know that! oh well. it wasn't like i was going to hit that up anyway.

what else did i do--hung out w/FM's new-ish girlfriend some more. i asked BL at some point why she's dating him [b/c she met him for the first time at BL's wedding where he was totally inappropriate in front of his ex-girlfriend] and this is her response: 1) b/c she doesn't know any better and 2) they're both halfies, so they have a lot in common. i do like her better than ex-girlfriend b/c she at least has personality. we caught them going into the women's restroom (for who knows what!) at the wedding afterparty. ha!

i also did my ex-roomie duty and took HT shopping after the wedding. he has just gotten back from a 6mo sabbatical in central america, and is going back to work in [summer city] for a few months before he leaves for australia. he's giving himself a total of a year off and is then probably going to move to [eastern city] to be closer to his family and the whole college crowd.

IG has also invited me for the island party so i'm trying to figure out if it's w/in my finances to fly up there in the middle of august. i'm already going on a 4-day trip to new orleans w/TM and perhaps AA for labor day weekend [a city we picked prior to learning that it will be the weekend of SOUTHERN DECADENCE which is, according to its website, the "gay mardi gras" so who knows what we will be in for] so i'm trying to minimize vacation days.

work is work (which kept me from posting about last weekend) and i spent 8hrs today hanging out w/SFC during a work training which got me going back and forth again on whether i think he's cute and whether i have a crush on him or not. i like him better clean-shaven [check] and also in non-work-attire [uncheck, and i really don't like the majority of his ties]. but i was getting seriously heated up sitting next to him and staring at his wrists. WTF? i caught him looking at me a couple of times for no real reason, while the speaker was in a totally different direction and we weren't discussing/brainstorming anything, and i'm assuming that's b/c i'm hot and sexy.

a whole lot of random nothingness, that is my life right now.

what i did determine over last weekend is that i miss the east coast. and my friends in [eastern city]. and [eastern city]. something about summer in new england always gets me...argh! what am i doing here???

need to make more friends here in [northern city] and get back to the gym. want to find some hot guys. would like some kissy-face.

sigh.

wedding-ness

update: IG is off-limits, b/c (as i only seem to remember once i see him in person) it's too much work to try to get anything started w/him. also, he is in some strange love-triangle w/an ex and a new interest. at least i know he respects my editing prowess (i looked over his best man's speech for him).

other guy i thought perhaps i would have an opportunity w/is apparently thinking about buying a house (in the suburbs!) w/his serious girlfriend (when did this happen???).

i had a long conversation w/HT (we are sharing a hotel room) on the drive to the wedding location (i flew in a day early to hang out w/him, GL, BL, FM, IG and other assorted people) about love and marriage and relationships. we established the wide-ranging applicability of "[s]he's just not that into you" and talked about scores and scales (reminiscent of CB). also, the immaturity of certain friends (ahem, FM and everyone else who let him do it or egged him on) who put HT in a relationship on Facebook the night of JMS's bachelor party (i discovered it a few days ago by Facebook-stalking HT. suffice to say he's still upset about it).

i thought i'd perhaps get to hang out w/PG and FB who are also attending a wedding but in a neighboring state this weekend, but our two attempts so far have fallen flat.

trying to decide what to do w/my day. do work b/c goodness knows i have a shitton to do? go for a run w/the bride-to-be? go to the gym? attempt to find FM's girlfriend and get breakfast? go shopping? chill out by the pool and catch up on back issues of "lucky, the magazine about shopping"? i just have to be back mid-afternoon to shuttle groomsmen (and women, as BL is a groomslady) to the church. perhaps i should start getting myself psyched for the dinner, at which i may end up sitting at a table w/unfortunate drooling single losers (i was bumped from a table w/HT and some other college people by aforementioned "other guy"'s girlfriend (the ones who are thinking of buying a house together) who has decided to come). HT says that there are 7 single girls at the wedding--the bride-to-be didn't tell him how many single guys are going to be in attendance. i know of at least two that i will definitely not be doing anything w/b/c i knew them from college and they are still unfortunate.

all in all, an exhausting weekend w/little sleep. so far i've cleaned out HT's closet, consumed large amounts of alcohol, and have not really mingled w/guests of the wedding that i don't know--this does not bode well for my chances of finding a cute single guy to kissy-face w/. at least i don't have to wear spanx w/my dress tonight!

pep talk

i talked to CB immediately after my conversation w/Che, and we talked about his girl issues and my guy issues and he told me that he had never tried dating me (whatever that means) b/c i was too intimidating. i know that i do intimidate some guys but he said it was, specifically, b/c i am so smart and good w/my hands. this is not the first time i have gotten the hands comment.

so that was nice.

he called again

and i forgot that i wasn't supposed to answer.

damnit.

in other news, apparently i am the only ex- of JMS's that is invited to the wedding b/c i am the only one that the bride-to-be can stand. that's a good thing b/c she's pretty cool.

is it too much to ask that i get some action (at the very least, some kissy-face) at the wedding this weekend? i know that nothing like that ever happens when one is looking for it so i'm trying to be happy being single and such but COME ON it has been a month since i've gotten any funny business and who knows when will be the next time i will feel comfortable enough in my element to do something stupid. i'm generally satisfied w/my attractiveness and man-luring abilities, but that's b/c i always had a fall-back (not like Che was my back-up plan or anything, but i had that bit of confidence there). well i guess i still sort of have it. he mentioned something about how there are people he knows that don't like me b/c of the pain and grief i caused him and then he refused to elaborate on it.

but overall, i've never gotten any action at a wedding before. so it's not like i'm cursing myself or breaking some sort of streak (unless you count the non-lovin as a streak).

i shouldn't try too hard, tho, b/c bad decisions are, well, bad decisions.

and look! no tears! yet. just a small amount of bemusement.

strange night

started out at a bar w/my coworker MWG (Midwestern Girl), found SFC, went to a bar where we got free drinks, and ended up at a pole dancing studio next to a photography studio w/weed + foosball (i did not partake of either). got home at 230am, had to be up for work at 530am.

am finally a mostly-functioning human again, now that i've consumed greasy food and fruit.

i think i'm going to start taking classes. LeendaDLL and Dating LA, i'm excited!